The trial of a whack ass rapper

[mdmunk]

I put more into a sencence than you do your lifetime
way to outshine a pineal gland in the alpine
I’m bout grind, get my hustle up, knock boots like I cuff tru’s
too smooth for bourgeoisie or low lifes with material
all humor free breeds of the cynical, fuck the lyrical
for now and let’s just stick to the empirical
evidence that’s been presented before the court:

The suspeceted individual,
was not able to bring his dick to flourition
in a critical condition of low blood pressure
due to internal sphincter bleeding
in a moment, wherein a certain someone desperately needed it
perhaps felt a deceiving, lying and thieving snitch
or comedian, who all he wanna be is rich
simple fool without teeth or wit
bitch ass
that couldn’t even please her for a second
but the next day, acts like he’s the bedking
it’s pathetic actually if you ask me, but you’re the judge, please
we have all of this from the diary of the deceased
and much more, as evidence that he was complicit in the suicide
he practically wearing the heart of this bitch as jewelry
and as we heard so explicitly in his SMACK performed eulogy

qoute

Me and my bitch we siamese, sire meas.., zion me, sayonara
that means my bitch ass fire when I ‘a lighter
She do all that I tell her when I gas her up
Boom! It’s beatiful, since I’m flame like Smack! WattttuP!!!

unquote

Your honor, I rest my case.

See that’s how you test your fate if you come through like Inspectah Deck
to witness the trial of a whack ass rapper in full effect
so go out in the world and put a Cassavettes tape on or Spotify
unzip your fly like it’s your mind’s eye and tie your butterfly
eat your veggies, fuck your reverent and harass your politicians
piss in a pot if you have to, but don't try to wear it as remembrance

Oh, and the only thing you have to fear, is the King himself

[Llama]

Re: The trial of a whack ass rapper

I guess...

I think the overall concept is cool, but your execution needs polishing. Imagery goes a long way with writtens like this, use some... You seem to sacrifice that along with flow or cadence for needless forced rhymes. You can rhyme, thats cool, but you force quite a bit, which takes away from the overall story. The flows impossible to keep.
Consider this next part as an example:

The suspeceted individual,
was not able to bring his dick to flourition
in a critical condition of low blood pressure
due to internal sphincter bleeding
in a moment, wherein a certain someone desperately needed it
perhaps felt a deceiving, lying and thieving snitch

I went ahead and highlighted the rhymes for visual. No real pattern, connection, no end rhymes, forced, no doubled, syllable count is off... I like where your head is at, I just didnt like the presentation.

[mdmunk]

Re: The trial of a whack ass rapper

I guess...

I think the overall concept is cool, but your execution needs polishing. Imagery goes a long way with writtens like this, use some... You seem to sacrifice that along with flow or cadence for needless forced rhymes. You can rhyme, thats cool, but you force quite a bit, which takes away from the overall story. The flows impossible to keep.
Consider this next part as an example:

The suspeceted individual,
was not able to bring his dick to flourition
in a critical condition of low blood pressure
due to internal sphincter bleeding
in a moment, wherein a certain someone desperately needed it
perhaps felt a deceiving, lying and thieving snitch

I went ahead and highlighted the rhymes for visual. No real pattern, connection, no end rhymes, forced, no doubled, syllable count is off... I like where your head is at, I just didnt like the presentation.

Appreciate the feed bro.... I know this whole verse is pretty whack, but yeah, the idea was cool enough, just random scribblings...... About the rhyme structure, you left some rhymes out in the highlight, but yeah, that way of rhyming, ie. in and out of place is based in hip hop the MUSICAL genre, where the rhythmical cadence means a lot..... the syllable count kept within the accapella format though..... I guess it's a bit more unusual to read than it would be to listen to, especially if used to basic (boring) end rhymes.... but anyway, some quick random shit, hence the rusty sound........ this was probably the only bar of the verse:

"eat your veggies, fuck your reverent and harass your politicians
piss in a pot if you have to, but don't try to wear it as remembrance"

I'm down to do some real shit for a battle though if you're down, standard 16, themes, whatever whatever... hit me up